9/30/2005 06:22:00 PM|W|P|Stuart's Philosophies|W|P|

Just a side comment. A parent came up to me and told me she was giving her child Ritalin because he was attention deficit, and that when he was on drugs, his grades went up. Without drugs, his grades went down. And she said this to me with a straight face. Obviously she had no clue what she was doing.

 

Guys, please do your homework on Ritalin.

 

It’s well-known that there are side effects that no body really wants to be associated with. Visit this site for more information. When patients wean themselves off, the side effect can be as life-threatening. By putting your child on Ritalin, you might be placing death in his way much, much earlier.

|W|P|112807572962837885|W|P|Sick: "I'll give you drugs because you are doing well in school"|W|P|stuart@imasiahub.com9/30/2005 06:13:00 PM|W|P|Stuart's Philosophies|W|P|

I was watching Wynnona Judd on Larry King Live. One thing she said that hit me like a ton of bricks came from the question – ‘What have you learnt in your life that has meant the most?’

 

And she said almost instantaneously – ‘It’s not about me’.

 

And I think it makes perfect sense. We seem to be always running out there to catch our dreams, when we actually are finding our way home. The ironic paradox of life as I have always identified with and learnt to come to terms with. It’s in living that we die. It’s in loving that we hate. It’s in learning that we have confusion. It’s in caring that we are hurt. It’s in loyalty where we discover betrayal. It’s in the lies where we discover truth.

 

It appears that our life is an aggregation of things that other people have decided for us. Maybe you have to get a job. Maybe you need to be a top performer. Maybe you find yourself being steered towards being what society defines you to be.

 

But really, it’s not about you.

 

I’ve done a number of trainings and speaking engagements before and those trainings were never about me – they were always about how to get people to understand what I have to say, to have them connect with what they need to feel. And I feel that it is this ‘connection’ that makes any training special.

 

You know, you might think that being a motivational trainer is difficult. I think it is the easiest thing in the world when you learn to discover that the motivation doesn’t come from me – it comes from the ‘connection’ in the audience. That sometimes in life when times are going tough, it is the people around us that sustain us. That somewhere in our dreams and ambitions, it’s not about “I want to earn $15 million dollars so I can spend it”, but it’s about “I want $15 million dollars as my gift to the world”.

 

If you throw a tantrum, or get upset and angry and fearful and all the other kinds of negative stuff, don’t just throw it. Share it. I think we all deserve a chance to be human and feel what we need to feel, not from weakness, but from strength. If there is sharing, whatever that transpires creates new learnings for people around us, and builds the connectedness.

 

My best times in training were with those whom I connected with the most. The worst times were with those where I hardly had a connection with, or hardly could create a connection to. At the end of the day, I’ll sit back and wonder if there was anything else that I could have done. But this phrase makes perfect sense – it’s not about me. I’m not so important to have to imagine myself to be the one controlling or making the changes that will create a huge impact. I think the only thing that needs doing is feeling and connecting. With this connecting, we can peel away layer upon layer of superficiality and begin to get to the root of our soul… and set it free.

|W|P|112807519501472042|W|P|It's not about me|W|P|stuart@imasiahub.com9/29/2005 10:36:00 AM|W|P|Stuart's Philosophies|W|P|

Hello Bingjie,

There are a dime a dozen of training consultants out there, most of whom have got great knowledge, but don't know how to be a training consultant.

From my perspective, you need a couple of things

1. A great presence/charisma

This can make a difference between whether you earn $500 a day compared with $10,000 a day. Because I run the Presentation Dynamics program, it helps to tune you up to become better in your skills to create charisma and presence. There is an upcoming program if you like, plus a continuous improvement program follow-up for those who are serious about developing themselves as speakers. I've also had people ask me for personal coaching on the matter, but that's another story.

2. Systemic Thinking skills

As a consultant, you have to make sure your skills in thinking and problem solving meet the mark. My influence comes from Systemic NLP (Robert Dilts) as well as The Fifth Discipline (Peter Senge). The process can be complex. What's more you have to deliver your thinking clearly without confusing your clients.

3. Sales and Marketing skills

If you don’t know how to plan your sales and marketing thrust effectively, you’ll never make it as a training consultant. This is your life blood, and if you don’t have it, you’ll need someone to guide you in this respect or have a partner who can do this. To be honest, most trainers are expected to be able to present and sell their ideas too.

So the first step in starting off as a trainer is to know what your sales and marketing plan is, create expertise through the problem-solving process, and then deliver an unforgettable presentation with power and presence.

It took me about 12 years to develop this, but I have trainers who have been able to do this in much less.

Hope this helps!

Stuart

-----Original Message----- From: Huang Bingjie Sent: Wednesday, September 28, 2005 10:05 PM To: Stuart Tan custom my question: Hi Stuart!

I've been working as an engineering executive for a little more than a year, after I graduated with a B.A degree in engineering from NTU. I've now decided to work towards helping others help themselves as a trainer/consultant, but I don't know how. Can you give me some advice on this? Thanks!

submit: Get Answer

|W|P|112796136847579744|W|P|On Being a Training Consultant|W|P|stuart@imasiahub.com9/28/2005 08:12:00 AM|W|P|Stuart's Philosophies|W|P|

Hello Arisa!

-----Original Message-----
From: arisa siong

Sent: Wednesday, September 21, 2005 11:27 PM
To: Stuart
Subject: Re: Arisa's comments about Trust

 

Hey Stuart,

 

  Even better to see your reply!  I would like to add or agree:

 

Definitions are but a means of communication in this world, at least

that's my perceptions.  So yah, when I say everything stems from

beliefs, I mean you have to believe in something before it's there, if

I believe the sky is blue, it is, if I believe I live in a world where

green is the new blue then the sky is green.  You have to believe in a

fact to make it a fact.  That's how people get delusional isn't it,

they have pretty screwed up beliefs.

 

 

Well, delusional people can’t tell the difference between what is real and what isn’t.

 

I agree consistency and perspective counts, but say it's a blank

sheet, the are certain factors that makes a person more trust worthy

than others.  Perhaps it's the ability to build rapport or otherwise,

but trust is created, well I guess it can be to some degree in some

cases transferable or referable as well, definitely the key will be

how to build on it, how do I get from I trust you yeah... to I trust

you completely.  It's important, because to make people listen and

believe you, you need to be trustworthy.

 

Proof! Give people proof of trustworthiness through rapport. I’ve got an NLP Update coming up soon on Ultimate Rapport Building. You’ll like it, cos it literally ‘peels away’ the layers.

 

So if the question is not who can you trust, but how do you get some

one to trust you, then the answer will probably almost work in the

other direction but in a more controversial way, right?  I mean, it's

almost like doing business, you have to have your customer feel like a

friend, make him place trust in what you're telling him, and then get

the business deal closed.  It's like having to parade around your

track record and proven consistency, hoping it will match up to

different standards that people have on the issue of trust.  So if I'm

getting a total stranger to put trust in me, then it will be a matter

of understand that trust stems from values and eliciting those values

to the person you seek to gain trust.  Then it all gets superficial

but it doesn't matter in general in business does it?

 

Wah – business has this thing called ‘ethics’. If you read about it, Enron, WorldCom and other huge businesses flouted it ONCE, and they were out of business. Loot at ACCS in Singapore, look at Informatics… huge companies went bust because of a lack of transparency. It’s NOT superficial!

 

Trust is two way, how do I get Jim to trust me is just a different

perspective of who should Jim trust, me or Tom?  I know it's about

showing consistency, building rapport, that values is important in

determining who Jim trusts, but is that all?

 

Good point! My suggestion – don’t rely on others before you are ‘trustworthy’. BE trustworthy and you’ll attract it reciprocally.

 

What is the ultimate success formula to gaining trust?

 

Pace and lead (stuff in module 2 of POE)

 

So let me know if you have any insights.  Just an update, I have

progressed into doing my Msc in Economics now, that all important

module 3 goal which required lots of focus while staying on a swinging

beam of getting my first class honous has realised.  Took a little

longer route than I would have liked to, but nonetheless a job done is

a job done.  So it'll be another year before I'm back in Singapore for

good.  It will probably be Woosh 21 or something already by then.

Congratulations on your new interest in internet marketing and

expanding regionally. 

 

WOW! Sounds great – you should write us back a note on your achievements… it’s nice to hear all this coming from you. Keep in touch!!

 

How many years left to the big IPO goal?

 

Three.

 

|W|P|112786637208521286|W|P|Arisa and Stuart's comments about Trust - Part 2|W|P|stuart@imasiahub.com9/24/2005 02:11:00 PM|W|P|Stuart's Philosophies|W|P|

I keep getting questions about why I started a blog. Well, knowledge sharing is something that I enjoy, and I type pretty fast, so putting it all down on digital format is not a difficult thing. If you haven’t started to Blog yet, I HIGHLY recommend you do it. It is a great form of therapy, and you can literally create a nice support community.

HOW TO BEGIN

For beginners, head down to http://www.blogger.com/. This is a free blogging site. It’s really for those of you who want to start something simple. There’s no versatility on it, and if you make racist remarks, you’ll be found instantly. J

Start up the account by clicking on that big orange arrow and fill in your details. Remember, if it says its “not available” it means someone else has got the name you want in it. Don’t be stubborn! Change the name! I had some friends tell me just because their blog name was taken they can’t start a blog. Sheesh.

Well from there, just play around with the configuration, and do it bit by bit. That’s for Blogger.Com. You can go into the templates and tweak the code if you are savvy with HTML. If not, don’t touch anything!!

MAKE MONEY WITH BLOGS

I’ll show people how to do this if they decide to turn up for my 13th October event. It’s on Blogging: An Additional Stream of Internet Income. You can join by dropping me an email, or sending it through the form on http://www.stuarttan.com/register-001.htm. Only 30 places are available (11 places left), and you must come with a notebook or share with someone else. The evening fee is $69 but if you bring someone else along for this event, it will be $39 each. It’s a 7pm to 10pm thing, but I’ll be there until 11pm if you guys have any questions.

J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J

Most importantly,

NO TECHNICAL EXPERTISE NEEDED!!!

J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J

For those of you who want to turn Blogging into a source of revenue (yes you can), you will probably need something more versatile than just Blogger. I normally use WordPress, but being the computer klutz I am, I won’t be able to install it myself. So, I actually found a web host that was cheap and affordable enough for me. If it costs you $6.95 a month with a free domain and you were able to earn US180 a month from that Blog, you’d have some extra pocket money, right?

Then I won’t go into how many blogs you’ll start to run. J

Anyway, those of you who want to get a host, my personal preference, and the CHEAPEST available that is worth this kind of value is at BlueHost. It offers INSTANT installation of the WordPress script, AND you only need to pay $6.95 a month. There’s over 4GB of space for you, databases and so on. Heck, I’ll even show you how to optimize its usage and how you can leverage on a simple US$6.95 a month to earn money through the internet.

For those of you who are serious, if you don’t want to be left behind, you MUST order this book by Rosalind Gardner. She made huge income streams by simply selling other people’s stuff online. Click Here!

|W|P|112754229307864635|W|P|Why I Started To Blog|W|P|stuart@imasiahub.com9/24/2005 09:22:00 AM|W|P|Stuart's Philosophies|W|P|

Recently, I heard that someone thought it would be interesting to join the coaching fraternity as a means to develop his career. First of all, this is certainly well-intentioned but this is not the kind of coach I look for and it has never been.

 

It will most definitely be the first person I throw out of any training if I were to come to know about it, and the priority is wrong. I’ve always prided myself for having gotten great coaches who, out of their contributions, develop people in the Patterns of Excellence program. I see their contributions applauded by the closeness and bonding among the different participants.

 

Some people will argue:

“But you said we have to do whatever it takes”

“But you said we must be committed”

“But you said if we can’t we must”

 

Well, excuuuuse me. I also said:

“Be responsible”

“Be honest”

“You get whatever you want if you first help other people get what they want”

 

Or did people forget this?

 

In any case, I need not police this. The pool of experienced coaches I have groomed over the years can detect whether a person has genuine interest of the participants at heart or not. It’s not difficult to tell.

 

However, am I saying that you are not allowed to solicit business and develop yourself? No. I’m saying that at the time of anyone joining as a coach, if the intent was contaminated by focusing only on self-benefit, that’s not the way to go. If things happen after the program, it is going to benefit you a hundred times more because it is through your genuine work and concern that people end up wanting to stay in touch with you. That “pull” factor is much more than just the “push” factor that most people dislike in heavy-handed, hardball selling.

 

Focus on how to give other people what they want. Through the natural laws of the universe, you will find that you will be rewarded more. I’ve seen that happen for the dedicated coaches who have passed through my program, and they have used the skills I have transferred to develop themselves and their future success.

|W|P|112752496927008889|W|P|Congruent Intentions|W|P|stuart@imasiahub.com9/24/2005 09:11:00 AM|W|P|Stuart's Philosophies|W|P|

The Happy Tree Friends has a cult following on the internet, with a huge popularity among, surprisingly, kids and teens. Most may find the gruesome and grisly ending of the lead cartoon character disturbing, and may force the network to convert their online madness into an opt-in only, parental guidance required, etc kind of presentation.

 

But Freud had always anticipated this. The father of psychoanalysis had suggested that our baser instincts drive us to do the things we do. For instance, violence and the enjoyment of it – could it be that we are training our kids to be more violent?

 

Well, I think that’s a moot point. As humans we already think such things. As humans, we laugh at other people’s demise. But more importantly, we sometimes literally enjoy that violence. Look at the number of thrillers we have feeding the mass population and media.

 

Conversely, I think Happy Tree Friends is therapeutic.

 

WHAT?!

 

Yes. I discovered that nowadays when I see serious gruesome shots from the internet or from the TV shows or movies such as ‘7 Swords’, I can’t take the gore seriously anymore. It activates a mechanism where I don’t get stressed watching the gore, but rather, my brain goes ‘that reminds me of the Happy Tree Friends’. And then, their innocuous music continues to play in my mind…

 

Perhaps Man’s quest for psychotherapy is over. Just watch HappyTreeFriends.Com and you’ll probably understand what I mean. My recommendation? If it’s your first time there, make sure you haven’t had your meal yet…

|W|P|112752428822417003|W|P|The Psychology of "Happy Tree Friends"|W|P|stuart@imasiahub.com9/24/2005 09:03:00 AM|W|P|Stuart's Philosophies|W|P|

I’m on the way up to KL for a SuperKids and I’m Gifted So Are You Preview at the Hilton. Something struck me as I was reading this book by Peter Senge and gang entitled ‘Presence’. I realized that the more I start going outward, venturing beyond the shores (Adam is in India as I type this) in order to develop the business, I’m exploring my thoughts, feelings and experiences more deeply. It’s almost as if the business has taken on a whole new level of personal spirituality.

 

I have a few ideas on this. First it’s likely that by involving oneself in business, one actually ends up learning more about oneself. Which is the most logical thing. Second, it’s also likely that through the different experiences one has, these experiences will begin to form a valence with experiences of the past, making things ‘make sense’. But it’s the third idea that really got me thinking.

 

What if everything we do is nothing more than a progressive realization that we are more and more insignificant? That the more we know, the less we know. The more we grow, the smaller we are. The faster we move, the slower we go.

 

Does this paradox encircle everything we do?

 

I often joke that it’s not “killing two birds with one stone”. Rather, it’s “killing two stones with one bird”. To me it’s a more humane thing. J But of course, it’s the reversal that forces us to think in different ways. What if “a doctor a day keeps the apple away”? Or, what if “focusing on your outcome” is less important than “outcoming on your focus”?

 

It brings a weird kind of revelation… that there is more to what we are doing that meets the eye.

|W|P|112752379443518210|W|P|Expansion|W|P|stuart@imasiahub.com9/23/2005 10:39:00 PM|W|P|Stuart's Philosophies|W|P|

It’s not difficult to make extra money on the internet. I’m surprised that it took a long while before people here started to get aware of how to earn more money without having to put in the kind of effort they always have. No promises of large amounts of money, but possibly could increase your income by anything between 25% to 50% within a short span of time. To gain access to this information, join in as my subscriber’s list because you may already have missed some highly valuable information!

|W|P|112748639347705535|W|P|Money Making Tips|W|P|stuart@imasiahub.com9/23/2005 10:14:00 PM|W|P|Stuart's Philosophies|W|P|

There have been some people asking me to become their Business Coach. I understand that running a successful business is not easy, and most people won’t think of me as their business coach unless they are planning to run a business that is knowledge intensive. After all, there’s ‘Pinky’, and there’s ‘The Brain’.

 

There are several elements I usually consider before I accept a proposition regarding being your business coach. First, you need to have a clear marketing plan. Before I become your coach, you’ll need a clear direction as to where you want to go. I’m more interested in how you can bring your products and services to the market. I’m less interested in helping you find a direction in your life. That one, you can contact Pete for Life Coaching and getting a clearer direction.

 

Next, you need to know what my charges are. Of course, unless you are serious in running a business, you won’t even want to consider what my business charges are like. Surprisingly, they are very affordable, and there are presently 2 people on my list, who are paying for committed access to my brain on a weekly basis. J

 

For the record, I will only accept 15 people a year, due to my time constraints. More information will be made available to those who want my direct attention.

 

 

|W|P|112748488615622589|W|P|Can You Create A Successful Business?|W|P|stuart@imasiahub.com9/22/2005 05:06:00 PM|W|P|Stuart's Philosophies|W|P|

Hi everyone, people have been asking me “how come you have a link to competitors even in Singapore?”

 

Well, you take a look yourself and you know very well what isn’t being said. You can look at them and check them out. By the way – when you click on them, they are charged a fee, so I’m quite happy you are passing on extra advertising charges to them. Hiak hiak…

 

So… for those of you who have not realized what such advertising means, you have to visit the internet marketing website I launched at http://www.internetmarketingsingapore.com/ You’ll find it’s an extension of StuartTan.Com, but the meat is in the blog. I’ve added new info there in case you want to see how to make money online.

|W|P|112737999352625417|W|P|NLP in Singapore??|W|P|stuart@imasiahub.com9/22/2005 02:00:00 PM|W|P|Stuart's Philosophies|W|P|

Most people are curious how I can actually do this – read a book in 45 minutes. It’s actually quite simple, but requires a heck of a lot of practice. I was contemplating running this workshop on Accelerated Whole-Brain Reading (AWBR) but I never really got around to asking people if they wanted to take up this workshop. The good news is that this course is only 2 days, 9am to 6pm, and you get to read whatever book you want, except for one book that I will ask you to read specifically for the practice. I probably will run this course on magnifying your reading capabilities only if I have a class of around 12-15 people.

 

In any case, those who want to improve reading, you need to understand a few concepts first.

  1. Genre. Are you used to reading a particular type of book? Your mental shortcuts (called heuristics) will get you to read faster simply because you are familiar with a specific kind of layout or expectation in the book.
  2. Language. Are you fluent in a particular kind of language? The more proficient you are, the better skilled you will be.
  3. Structure. Are you a structured person? If so, it will give you a great headstart to rapid reading.
  4. Environment. Are you in a place that allows you to get into the ‘flow’ state? You can read about ‘Flow’ by going to this link.
  5. State. Are you ale to put yourself into the right state for gathering, categorizing, absorbing and remembering information?

 

Generally, AWBR follows a process of understanding the brain, the way your eyes move, how to optimize the learning time of each session, dispelling age old myths and learning how the power of priming, heuristics and other psychological principles help you to gain an upper hand in reading books.

 

This is NOT speed reading. I don’t need so much information at a go. But I do need enough of the gist to use it. Probably, I’m reading 30% of the book that is sufficient to give me around 70-75% of the overall meaning. Also, remember I’m a researcher at heart. I plough through books, then generate my own knowledge.

 

 

|W|P|112736882399821982|W|P|Reading a book in 45 minutes??|W|P|stuart@imasiahub.com9/21/2005 08:06:00 PM|W|P|Stuart's Philosophies|W|P|

Hey Arisa,

 

Good to see you online! My answers are below.

 

-----Original Message-----
From: arisa [mailto:arisa.siong@gmail.com]
Sent: Wednesday, September 21, 2005 6:37 PM
To: Stuart Tan

 

custom my question: I read how do you know who to trust.  Perhaps a little late but my long, not all that important but nevertheless interesting question is:

 

Doesn't trust stem from beliefs?  It's more a statement than a question really.  If you believe in something or someone, you inevitably put your trust there.  In fact everything stems from a belief doesn't it?  From then it develops into an complex web of determinants.

 

 

Well, I'd think about it before I say this. Everything stems from a belief?? It depends on what you say. But that is not as pertinent as your initial premise - doesn't trust stem from beliefs.

Trust in my opinion stems less from Beliefs and more from Values. I may believe you, but I may not trust you. I may have a belief in you, and that is a value - you are important to me.

At the same time, I’m talking about our accumulated experiences with people. I trust Person X because he is consistent and behaves that way over 15 years. I don’t trust Person Y because in the 3 years I’ve known him, I can’t detect a pattern of safety. There’s no baring of the soul. I don’t see weakness I can find strength in.

 

So consequently, to establish trust, to build trust or to determine who you can trust would stem from what a person believes in, yes?  Then the question becomes what is believable?

 

Whoa... you got the whole Socratic equation going, girl! Here's what I think. If a person believes in himself at the expense of other people, sure, he will appear trusting, but won't get very far and end up hurting many people in the process. If a person believes that everyone is trustable, then that will be the predisposition to create trust. Still, the beliefs are not exposed to me if I don’t see it, hear it or feel it from consistent behavior.

 

So I'm afraid I don't quite “believe in” the logical jump from trust=what is believable. So, by the same token, it’s not that I don’t trust you. It’s just that I think I’ve peeled some layers away from myself and others have too, to know that some people can be trusted, others can’t.

 

 

So that leaves me with a question on belives, how do you believe in something, is it predisposed, encripted into your character, god given, or is it just another tool for the masters of language patterns to sway in their way?

 

Does this include the possibility that I believe that I distrust someone? Language affects other structures in our psyche as well – our values and identity are touched through language. Beliefs don’t drive us – our values drive us. Beliefs are accumulated memories of cause and effect. Values are selective memories of pleasant or unpleasant emotions and meanings (complex equivalences).

 

Then I can progress on to say maybe it's a bit of both.  Some people have harder characters and are more skeptical, others are just optimistic.  With trust and believe, it's inevitable that a track records counts, so if that's important, how do you get round the problem of not having a good track record?

 

In that sense trust would violate all that it's meant to be.  A deeper understanding, a inner believe, because if track records can be created beautifully and masterfully carved, then trust wouldn't be such a big thing would it.  I guess you can argue it depends on the degree of trusts.

 

Hm. I get your point. That if people had a record of all the good and evil they have done, it would then equate to a balance. I'm afraid that may not be so clear. That track record has to be person specific, and perception specific. Say we are good friends. We trust each other. You betray my trust, you have -1000 points on your score card. BUT if I am the kind of guy who always says "she must have her reasons", and I always reset your score to 0 or above 0, then the point is moot.

 

On top of that, Jim may be trustable to me, but not trustable to you. You don’t like him. You don’t synergize. You find it difficult to establish rapport. But I’ve known Jim for 10 years and he’s always been my buddy. Who’s right? Well… you probably have to go find out. See what his behavior consistently yields for you. That will get you to be ‘convinced’ and thus ‘believe’ and ‘trust’ him.

 

Some people are convinced instantly. Others need some time. Still others need 100% consistency to be absolutely convinced.

 

So I conclude and say that it's important to see, at least to me that it all comes down to a choice, concious or not, it's a choice to hold certain believes, be and live a certain way, put faith in some people.  So who can you trust?  The people you can choose.  Choices have consequences, that sometimes some people are too afraid to risk hence to trust.  So if I understand that, then the matter of trust will be to over come fear.

 

Haha... I'll see if that becomes a slippery slope. Hmm… to trust is to know what to believe. To believe is to choose, and to choose is to overcome fear. Cool... still, I wouldn’t be so sure about it. Sounds more linear than it is systemic.

 

I know I'm conlcuding but just as with everything else, it's a cycle, to trust is to over come a certain fear and have faith, to have faith is a personally choice, that determines your believes, that can be swayed by influences, that may place you in scary places to which you never want to visit again hence not trust. 

 

 

So I say break the cycle, make it a straight line so it never bend backwards again.  That would be too ideal, because that would imply having believes so strong, you can trust fully, that anything wrong that might happen only serves to sway you back on that straight path that you have chosen. 

 

The old saying goes, there are people you can trust and there are people who you don't, not can't, don't.  It is a tough choice.

 

There are less ideal people in a less than ideal world, and these lesser people are the ones you can truly trust.

 

Ooh. And I can trust you on that one, huh? Like I said, I believe it’s more on the issue of consistency. If you and I haven’t had much exposure to each other, it would be difficult to make a choice to trust. So we choose the safest choice for us – stay away.

 

But sometimes, we interact very deeply in, say, a five day camp, and we bare our thoughts and ideals. We see each other in action. We watch and hear evidence of a human being there with feelings and emotions and detect consistency in performance. We trust each other.

 

The psychological intimacy of sharing at a level of beliefs and values leads us to a point of entry. As with the cycle of beliefs, we first are doubtful of a new belief, we grow open to that belief over time and evidence, we learn to believe, then become open to doubt this belief as time goes by and the belief we gather proves to be inconsistent for us.

|W|P|112730436128460968|W|P|Arisa's comments about Trust|W|P|stuart@imasiahub.com9/21/2005 01:43:00 PM|W|P|Stuart's Philosophies|W|P|

The phrase “If I can’t, then I must” often confuses people. It gives people such a sudden shift of perspective, it becomes dizzying at first. However, if you really look into it, you might debate whether you really ‘must’ in order to do something. In the program I run, I teach this to fire up what needs to be done. If you need something badly enough, you must have it. It is a desire, a compulsion and a strong want.

 

We don’t ‘must’ food. We ‘need’ food. We don’t “must” friends, we “need” friends. Heh – I’m not even sure if my English teacher thinks it’s a complete waste of her English lessons for me to start saying this. I’m not saying that what I taught was wrong. I’m saying once we have a foundation, we can build on it rather than destroy it. Was it wrong for you to learn algebra? After all, it wasn’t essential when you grew up, was it? But it was a foundation to your logical thinking. Was it a must to learn algebra? No. It was a need for the educational requirement, especially in our society today.

 

I’m a toward-motivation kinda guy. So if you hold a gun to my head to get me to do something, my first response would probably be “pull the trigger”. It’s interesting that needs often outweigh the forceful push towards the eventual goals in our lives.

 

So, in a simple exercise for you to do, what do you ‘need’?

 

For me, I’ve found that I need to help people so they can improve their lives. At the same time, I had to ask myself this question: do I need to feel good and help people? I sometimes loathe the feeling. To me, I help people to get away from the feeling of pain I see when I empathize. In recent months, I’ve discovered that it may not be an entirely useful pattern in my life. In reality, most of the things I’ve done could have done more harm than good. For instance, what if my helping prevented someone from doing something on their own?

 

Of course I’m not one to claim that I create miracles. The disappointing thing is that there are people who achieve things only when they wait around to get their asses kicked. It’s really, really sad! I mean, it’s like that childish game boys used to play sticking notices on people’s back saying “kick me” except that now, these people literally stick the notice on their own backs.

 

So, I’ve come to a conclusion. If help has to come, it has to come at a price. The price will never be too expensive unless they continue to behave that way. Whether it is a monetary price, or an emotional price or both, the eventual aim is to get people to stop looking at their past and start focusing on the future, what is possible, and how the heck to get there. I’ve emphasized this over and over, and often, with the premise that people should be helped through mentoring and coaching. Yes, even mentors and coaches need it too. But just because I’m a mentor or a coach doesn’t mean I must be that for you. I don’t need to. Just because I’m a counselor or therapist, I don’t have to counsel you.

 

I have to answer a very strong “What’s In It For Me” question.

 

No, it’s not about being selfish. It’s about being ecological. I must be sure that if I intervene, you will do something about it yourself. Honestly, so far the people who have changed the most effectively are those whom I’ve charged money for. In addition, those whom I’ve not charged were those whom I’ve literally provoked in their conversations with me. Do I need this? Not the money. But I certainly need to see people getting off their backs and moving on their own. I don’t want to end up having to drag the horse you killed while you were procrastinating on it. Nobody to my knowledge wants that kind of cruel and unusual punishment.

 

 

 

 

|W|P|112728141446989342|W|P|Need Versus Must|W|P|stuart@imasiahub.com9/21/2005 08:33:00 AM|W|P|Stuart's Philosophies|W|P|

-----Original Message----- From: Jeffrey Sent: Wednesday, September 21, 2005 6:49 AM To: Stuart Tan

Hi Stuart, I am Jeffrey from Whoosh 13. This is the first time I visit your blog. It is cool and I got a lot of insights from these. I was just wondering, what is the thing that drive you to keep on strive for more and more?

Stuart Says:

Hi Jeff!

Long time no see... Hmm, what drives me? A guy called Mr. Wee! Hahahah... just kidding... Anyhow I managed to find something that grabbed my attention. As you know I'm always interested in knowledge, and over the years I have found that I devour knowledge and create knowledge rapidly. But I also find myself almost addicted to learning now. It's hard to put it aside because I find there are so many new and wonderful things to pick up, especially on the subject of money making.

Also, it's the comments that I receive like yours that give me access to feelings of satisfaction and excitement because I know I'm adding good value. I've got lots of ideas, I think. Unfortunately, too many that I myself would like to follow. So I share these ideas and hopefully someone will have a flashbulb go off and use it to make lots and lots of money. :)

Do what you love and love what you do, but always monetize it. Heheh..

|W|P|112726282108014705|W|P|My answer to Jeffrey's Question|W|P|stuart@imasiahub.com9/20/2005 09:19:00 PM|W|P|Stuart's Philosophies|W|P|

Sigh. I don’t know why people do it, but they do. I just recovered from a hack which involved 6 different blogs on the same account. But well… those of you who do have blogs, please learn a lesson from my mistake. Lucky for me, I have all my content here, and there is no loss whatsoever. Hackers… “I hate you monkey!”

|W|P|112722237847748002|W|P|Pathetic Hackers|W|P|stuart@imasiahub.com9/20/2005 08:52:00 PM|W|P|Stuart's Philosophies|W|P|www.stuarttan.com is ACTIVE|W|P|112722075861368457|W|P|test post|W|P|stuart@imasiahub.com9/19/2005 10:09:00 PM|W|P|Stuart's Philosophies|W|P|

My business partner, Adam, was stuck in the hospital from 9am this morning and his second daughter, Samantha, was born at 5.30pm today. J This is after a very grueling POE Module 2 that ended in record time at 6am. :o.

For those of you who are wondering who Adam is, you can visit a very special site we created over here.

|W|P|112722176234011419|W|P|Adam Khoo's Samantha Khoo|W|P|stuart@imasiahub.com9/19/2005 09:09:00 PM|W|P|Stuart's Philosophies|W|P|

I’m currently heading up to Kuala Lumpur for the launch of the SBGs for Whoosh Malaysia. It’s going to be an exciting trip because it will open up fresh new perspectives as to what will be possible to help grow the culture of the Patterns of Excellence in Malaysia. Already, the group is feeling high with energy and with different ideas and directions.

As I’m waiting for the plane, I think about Whoosh 17 (which ended at 6am, incidentally – the record breaker this round) and about “trust”.

How do you know that someone can be trusted? I know a number of people who are truly trustable. I understand their character. And they have an intrinsic sense of congruence. Unfortunately, when there is incongruence, people appear to be less trustable. It’s a psychological truth. I feel that trust is formed not just through simple processes of rapport building, but a literal blending of minds. I developed a process of creating common ground through rapport building in my dissertation for my counseling training. It basically outlines how we need to blend and establish common ground across all levels of our being. If you are just an acquaintance, you are merely establishing rapport on the environment and behavior level. When soul mates interact, however, they are engaging at the mission and spirituality level. This means that patterns of trust and credibility are not seen just in the individual’s change, but the individual’s interaction.

A trustable person for me peels apart themselves and reveals as many layers as possible. When this happens, each layer allows another person’s understanding and therefore, common ground can be created. For instance, we do this by pacing and leading through body language – that’s creating common gorund through the behaviors and the environment. Yet, we know that we can create connections through other things. When we establish contact with people on an emotional level, we bond and the self-disclosure enables us to feel safe with each other.

The problem here is when people either have hidden agenda or have misunderstood intentions.

In hidden agenda, we cover an intention at the Belief/Value level and as a result, the behaviors turn out incongruent. If this is the case, people experience you, they don’t reach inside as deeply as they need. When this happens, people are “psychologically perturbed”. It engages their resources to begin to interpret the hidden agenda as non-trusting. Whenever we are not given information that we believe to be free-flowing, we tend to feel negatively aroused toward it. I say to person A ‘Hey, I know where I can find $100 free but I won’t tell you’, that merely creates curiosity. ‘Hey, your wife is in danger, but I won’t tell you about it’. See the difference.

Hidden agenda and unclear intentions often drive us to think in one way, and our actions may turn out another way. I think that even if we dislike or hate another person, we ought to be direct. At least, in the minds of your ‘enemies’, you are above board and direct. It may even be a pleasure to spar with you. I can’t quite say why I dislike the lack of directness today, but I know I’ll find an answer sometime soon.

I think I have learnt to trust people more, and at the same time, distrust people. Being in-between no longer poses a conflict – it is a realization that all things co-exist together, and the inherent paradox of life, is that we came here to die. So, by the same token, the person you trust most is the person you will be betrayed by most, yet, your worst enemy might turn out to be so predictable that you can trust the consistency of their behavior.

Consistency is such an important trait. If we turn out unpredictable, we may be construed as having an inconsistent behavior. Imagine if our intentions are misunderstood. We may be consistent, but people may think that we are not, simply because they did not understand why we did certain things. To make things worse, if you fail to cover all ground in anticipating the issues that come up relating to the stakeholders of your choice.

Stakeholder considerations are going to be the next important evolution of a coach or trainer.

Don’t just “create” trust. Be it. Exude it. Demonstrate it. You may find that people may hurt you because you are trusting. But anticipate that. Not everyone is trusting all the time. But it’s worth the bet!

|W|P|112722177289259119|W|P|How do you know who to trust?|W|P|stuart@imasiahub.com